


Fellows of Infinite Tongue

by buckbeakbabie



Category: Henry IV - Shakespeare
Genre: M/M, Pre Canon, Roughhousing, excessive blokeyness, fake mushyness, fifteenth century fuckboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 10:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5963607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckbeakbabie/pseuds/buckbeakbabie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hal and Ned attempt to rhyme themselves into each others' favours. </p>
<p>Inspired by <a href="http://49.media.tumblr.com/51a83e1283bc3caae14820646317c8c4/tumblr_o21ra3B3oY1qea8s7o6_400.gif">this</a> moment in the RSC’s Henry IV Part 1. (gif by <a href="http://inarduisfidelis.tumblr.com/post/138695187450/some-more-extremely-heterosexual-gifs-i-know-i">inarduisfidelis</a>). </p>
<p>Set pre-canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fellows of Infinite Tongue

Hal drummed his fingers on the table, turning in his seat to look around the room. He rocked back, balancing on the hind legs of his chair and sighed. 

"It is a pity Falstaff has taken himself away tonight to rob purses," he said. They had come from the Boar's Head, which was empty and dull, and had been driving Hal mad. But here, in the rooms he had taken near Eastcheap, everything seemed even more so. 

Poins filled another drink and moved to sit on the bed. "Do you miss the great thief?" 

"I do," Hal mused. "Strange as it seems. We could have had some entertainment." Ever since he'd left the palace he had wanted distraction. Not finding it in the tavern had unsettled him further, and he must do something. 

He rocked absently, swaying in his seat that was still balanced on two legs. "Come, Ned, this is intolerable. You must have had some scheme this week, or one planned. Is your sister in town? Have you been tormenting dear brother John?" 

"She is in town. I left her helping John compose a sonnet to Lady Elizabeth," Ned said airily. 

Hal laughed, letting the front legs of his chair fall down with a thump and leaning forward. "A sonnet? Nell?"

Ned laughed. "Yes. She was suggesting all manner of rhymes - none suitable, and some bawdier than John realised. I know not when he will realise what she is about. Ideally after he has sent his verse to his lady love." 

Hal clapped his own knee with a wide grin. "How marvellous. How goes the wooing? Does he proceed swiftly?" 

"It is coming on apace. Lady Elizabeth came to dinner last week with her family. He stole a moment with her, and closed the door on my face lest I overhear." 

"But that wouldn't stop you, surely?" 

"No, Nell and I know a dozen ways to eavesdrop on that room, and we were not disappointed. Such words of flattery! Such wretched verse!" 

Hal gave a bark of laughter. "How I long to see your brother attempt to woo a lady. He has such a severe countenance. He is so … uneasy, so upright." He sat up straighter, drawing his shoulders up and tensing his body, breaking it a second later to chuckle. "Whenever he has happened upon me in your company, he looks over my shoulder for my father every second, sure he will appear to arrest him and you for corrupting my princely virtue." 

Ned waggled his eyebrows. "Is it not a danger?" 

"That you will corrupt my virtue? We are long past that." Hal winked. "How much a danger is John to Lady Elizabeth's virtue, do you think?" 

Ned grinned. "None. Perhaps, as his sister, Nell cannot be entirely unbiased, but she said if a man ever spoke to her like he spoke to Lady Elizabeth that it would turn her stomach." 

"Well, perhaps we shouldn't dismiss his methods. There may be some good in it. How spoke he?" Hal straightened again, but even now he couldn't keep the impression up for long. 

Ned covered his face with his hand and his shoulders shook as he remembered. "He called her his marmoset. Nell almost choked for holding back her laughter." 

Hal gave a bark of laughter, smacking his hand on the table. "Excellent, excellent! I feel cheated, I think, that you do not woo like your brother." 

Ned lowered his hand, his eyes gleaming. "There was no need to woo you. You made your own advances." 

Hal raised an eyebrow flirtatiously. "Is that so? That's not quite how I remember it, but a sweet word or two wouldn't have gone amiss." 

"And where were your sweet words for me?" Ned challenged. 

Hal batted his eyelashes. "Shall call you my marmoset, my dearest Ned?"

"Oh, be still my heart." Ned rested his hand on his chest, grinning widely 

Hal leaned back in his chair, gesturing dramatically towards Ned. "My… loveliest lambikins. My bonny bawdock, my tender turtle." He was getting into the rhythm now, and he laughed. "My soft sparrow-" 

Ned leaned forward. "Soft?" he asked, with a raised eyebrow. 

Hal snickered, shifting forward to pat Ned's cheek, though it was more of a light smack, really. He ruffled Ned's hair roughly. "I am sorry. My … saucy sparrow. No. My seductive satyr." He cupped his crotch and rocked his hips lewdly. 

Ned laughed and reached out, squeezing Hal's thighs. "Better." 

"My … slawsy-gawsy," Hal continued, to the sound of Ned's laughter. He pitched his voice higher, pursing his lips. "My tyrlie-myrlie, my kicky-wicky, my gold-poll." 

"Well, sweet sugar britches, my honey-tongued wumby-pumby." Ned mimicked his voice and Hal doubled over with laughter, leaning his chair forward. "You are my moon, my stars." 

"You are my sun!" Hal interjected. "My luminous, lustful lover." 

"My heart, my soul, my life, my breath!" 

"Oh, Ned," he said, his voice higher still. "Hearing you speak so steals the breath and life from me. As to my heart and soul, they are already yours. Oh look, I swoon!" He tipped himself forward, falling into Ned's lap. Ned laughed as he caught him, pulling him onto the bed and into his lap. Hal draped himself across Ned, looking into his eyes and batting his lashes again. 

"I will catch you, my dearest prettiest princeling," Ned said. "My sweet, sugar-lipped honey lord…" 

He leaned close and Hal sighed, a soft, high sigh, and lifted his chin. "Kiss me!" 

Ned did, a messy, loud, smacking kiss. He moaned outrageously, slobbering over Hal more than kissing him. Hal laughed into his mouth as he returned the kiss, winding both hands into Ned's hair. He licked all around Ned's mouth and then over his chin, up his cheek and then into his ear. Ned laughed and squirmed away at first, but then pulled Hal back for another loud, smacking kiss on the lips. 

As he pulled back, their eyes met. Hal found himself smiling softly, leaning close to kiss him again, a lingering, understated kiss. Ned relaxed against him, sliding his hand along Hal's cheek as he pulled Hal close. Hal closed his eyes, giving himself to Ned's arms and lips gladly. 

He would never be able to profess love for Ned, not in earnest. He doubted Ned would want to hear it even if he could. But he imagined Ned could feel it, as Hal wrestled them both down onto the bed; as he channelled all that restlessness he had been feeling into the kiss, into the way he touched Ned and pressed close to him. Hal was almost convinced he could feel it coming from Ned, too, as Ned's hand slid up his back and into his hair. 

And in the absence of pretty words, this would do very nicely.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Many of the terms of endearment I found in my favourite book, [The Lover's Tongue](https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Lover_s_Tongue.html?id=tnwAlLgWEhAC&redir_esc=y) by Mark Morton - which along with hilarious archaic terms of endearment is filled with archaic dirty words and their etymology.
> 
> Most of the ones I used in this fic are from the 16th-17th century (so not completely historically accurate to when Hal would have lived - but neither was Shakespeare, so we're cool).


End file.
